A scientist declares world will not end this coming week. Controversy ensues.
The world will not end on September 18, according to a professor at the Atlanta Science Institute. The announcement was made yesterday by Dr. Charles Ludicrom, causing commotion within the scientific community. “Although some may claim that it [the world] will cease to exist on the 18th, I do not see the possibility for it to happen any time next week,� he said in front of a small group of white-coated scientists at the institute.

“The earth’s crust currently contains a Level T-21 maturity factor at a stage 3-A biotron, an extremely rare occurrence, through the end of next week, thus protecting it from even the most severe elements of destruction.�

He continued to explain that even should there be a nuclear explosion next week, this protection level would prevent the earth from being scarred in the slightest way. Permission to test this theory by detonating high-intensity nuclear warheads, however, was denied by state and federal officials.

“It really is a shame,� Dr. Ludicrom lamented at a press conference. “This could possibly be the only time such a test would be feasible, as the earth may never experience this condition again. Nonetheless, I will not dishonor the orders of government.�

An emergency grant request has been made to receive funding to perform such tests in Australia, a scientist from the institute said on condition of anonymity. Australia, according to many, has no real government to speak of, thereby circumventing the red tape usually involved with massive nuclear blasts.

At the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, however, controversy ensued. Although some freshman-level students accepted Dr. Ludicrom’s statement, most mid-level, senior-level students and faculty members (with the exception of the MIT chancellor) disagreed. “There is no way one can back up such a claim,� said Professor Mitch Concobokowitcz, who carries three PhDs in Earth-Stability.

“The only way one would be able to ascertain this would be if the earth’s destruction were a regular occurrence, and the crust was examined each time. To claim that the earth will not be destroyed without such conclusive research-evidence would be like doing experimental cooking for your daughter’s wedding.�

MIT chancellor, Dr. Phillip Clay, though, was reluctant to contradict Dr. Ludicrom. In an exclusive interview with Spetnik.com, he said that “According to several evolution theories, my own not withstanding, the destruction and re-creation of the universe occurs regularly every 200 trillion years or so. If so, Dr. Ludicrom may have a sufficient foundation to his proclamation, as the occurrence of the stage 3-A biotron could have been studied and recorded during earlier instances of the universe.�

Dr. Clay did caution, though, that he had not been successful in his attempts to contact Dr. Ludicrom, and he was just hypothesizing (a part of the research cycle, usually done by grade-school science fair enthusiasts).

The well-known Atlanta Science Institute claims several notable inventions, such as Tickle-Me-Elmo™ and backwards-ticking novelty watches. The last newsworthy announcement to emerge from the institute, however, was in 1934, when Dr. Simon Tiltenkop proclaimed that one of Jupiter’s moons might contain traces of prehistoric cheese, thus inciting rumors that our moon is in fact composed entirely of cheese. Dr. Ludicrom carries a PhD from the institute, and another from the BillyBob Rutherbilt Science School in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

About the Author

Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.